Not to sound like a cliche from Cheers (“sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name…and they’re always glad you came…”) but yeah–sometimes you just want to be known, to be understood. Actually, as a people and as a society, I would even suggest that more than sometimes, this is actually the very basis of having relationships with others in the first place. We thrive in understanding others and also when sharing our identity and personhood with the world.
That little Cheers jingle came into my mind today as I was seeped with dirt under the hot, unforgiving sun, running a new route to keep things interesting. I have started to name the roads and backroads that I run on…that kind of sounds crazy. But hey, whatever you have to do, right? Anyway, the further I got from home, the less I heard my Kinyarwanda name, Impano. More and more it was, “umuzungo! umuzungo!” It was a little disheartening to realize the work that lie ahead of me–and not because it’s about a name–it’s about having a relationship with the people and the place, but, this of course, begins with a name. I often wonder, how long will it take? How much time will pass until I will be really known–or at least known for more than just being that white girl that lives in the village? Or, is that unattainable?
Perhaps it felt even more disheartening because I felt like I was dragging 15 lbs. of potatoes behind me. On each leg. Running has been an outlet for me here. It’s amazing; I used to dread running back home, but here, it’s like the greatest thing I have. I have grown to love it. But some days, quite simply, I just drag. Mentally, I was in the same condition.
Class was just not good.
I taught my first Senior 4 class (equivalent to high school sophomores in America), which is an upper level class here in Rwanda. To my amazement, I only had 7 students in the classroom for my first day of teaching them (they came to school late as they were waiting for national examination results). It threw me off a bit; just yesterday in a Senior 1 class I had nearly 55 students. But, I imagined that the small class size would make my lesson even stronger, as we could have a small group discussion of the day’s topic, democracy.
Yeah, it bombed. I tried asking them what they knew about democracy in about 8 different ways and got nothing. The plan had been for them to rank by order of importance (to them) the elements of a democracy…but instead, I found myself trying to find basic ways to explain things like majority vote and freedom. The lesson was salvaged a tiny bit upon discussing elections, but for students whose education focus happens to be HEG (History-Economics-Geography) I was slightly concerned. They will present dialogues next class. So. We’ll see what happens. I’m well aware not everyday of teaching will be perfect, but the perfectionist roots within me have a hard time with this sometimes.
The next period of my teaching day was a mix up (long story) and so another English teacher kept teaching during my lesson.
And, for my last class of the day, the students were rowdy and laughed at me when I spoke in Kinyarwanda to help them understand a concept. I want my classroom to be a fun place, I want my students to know that I support them in every way that I can, but being laughed at, well, it kind of sucks, honestly. I feel like it drains away at any authority you have, and when you lose that in a classroom, well, you lose a lot. Sometimes, I laugh with them, and it’s okay, but know that it’s contextual; there is a time and place for that. I felt off balance when giving my lesson. I went home and just had to sit for a good 20 minutes alone. I didn’t cry. I wasn’t upset. I was just…deflated. I gave them an assignment to draw their communities and so I will be intrigued with what they come up with.
NEVER TRUST A TIMETABLE
An update on my schedule: I don’t have one.
The schedules have changed several times and then again. Just when you think it’s permanent, nope! My school now wants me to teach all sections (we have 10 total) for two hours a week for each section, bringing my total hours in the classroom around 20. It’s more than the PC recommended 15, but I’m flexible. I told them I just want to help the school in whatever way I can. This way, with having all levels, I will really get to understand the variances in levels for the education system in Rwanda, and for that I am excited to get to work! And. Well. No matter what my schedule is, I WILL have Fridays off. YES. Three day weekends!
4 MICE DOWN…?…TO GO
My PC friend Sarah gave me 4 sticky traps to get started on what Rachel has called “constant vigiliance” (yes, a Harry Potter reference) in catching the evil rodents taking residence in my home. They worked really well; 4 traps down, 4 mice caught! I stationed the trap by the hole in the wall (quite literally) below my bedroom door. Success! That’s the good news. The bad news? 3 of the 4 were babies. Which means…well. There could be a lot more. Glad mom is sending more traps from across the pond!
HOME IS…
In a lesson about HOME (what it is as an idea and what is physically inside a house) I had students answer the question, “what is home to you?” Here are some of the more interesting, great, and telling responses…
Home is:
-where my family is.
-many people.
-peace.
-fetching water.
-personal responsibility.
-where we sleep with our parents.
-when I am happy.
-bad.
-cows.
-eating food.
LIGHT UP THE VILLAGE
ELECTRICITY IS COMING!!
I’ve seen workers, power lines, and poles.
My eyes will soon be saved from the abyss of darkness.
They say in about 1 month it will be here.
If it’s here by June, I’ll consider it right on time.
NEWLY ENGAGED
I’ve decided to take my romantic status into my own hands. As far as old, creepy men in Rwanda are concerned: I am engaged with every intention to marry following my two year service. It’s my first imaginary friend that I’ve had since I was like 4, but it’s pretty darn necessary, as I’ve had a little too many marriage proposals or requests to find be a husband this past week. Luckily, they usually don’t press for details. Although, one man did request a photo of my fiancee. Um. Well, if he follows through, I might just use a photo of my brother and I. Sorry, Lance. Love youuuu.
PAPARAZZI
I’ve noted before that I live across the street from school. The school includes my school, but also the primary school. Lately, my life as a celebrity has been totally maximized by the presence of over 2,000 children under the age of 12. Seriously. They watch me drink tea outside. The bang on my gate insisting on a visit. EVERYWHERE I GO…there they are. I love children. But man, it’s a little much. Actually, it’s a lot much. They grab my arm to touch my hair, they run from me if they are really scared, and if they are bold, they might even scream “bite?” (what’s up?) approximately 15,000 times. Like I said, I love children, but when they act like I imagine the paparazzi would, well, it’s not so endearing. This has led me to timing when I leave and go out on the road. If, for example, I leave around 5:00pm when they finish their lessons, I will literally have NO room to walk. I wish I was exaggerating. Oh well. Like old PCVS have said: enjoy this time being a star. I remind myself of this when I am smothered my screaming children. Yes, yes, I am a rockstar. Right?
EVEN STILL, I AM LOVING THE PEACE CORPS
Amazingly, I’m happy here. It might seem otherwise when I focus on the mice, the marriage proposals, or the life of living in a bubble. But, I am. The great thing too is this:
I’m genuinely learning how to not be obsessed with being happy.
It’s a problem I have struggled with for so long; if and when I found myself just a little off, not so upbeat, or crying for no reason, I became very upset with myself. The closest people to me know about this little problem I had, and I never quite mastered the art of just accepting the emotions you have just as they are. I got a lot better last year, as I finished with college and prepared for a new part of my life, and living here, I’m growing even more. If I have an off day, I know it’s okay. Not every day can be exceptional; not all moments are going to make you feel as if you are truly changing the world. That’s not real, and honestly, if life was like that, you wouldn’t appreciate the genuinely beautiful moments that we experience as we go through life. Sometimes they are big, and you can’t miss them. Other times, many times even, they are much smaller. You have to be in tune with yourself to see them, and now that my life has slowed down, and I’m living in a different culture that values time to rest and think…well, I’m seeing that being happy all the time isn’t really the end goal. It doesn’t have to be.
Crazy enough, a shining light for me here is a 3 year old. Go figure.
His name is Baraka (which means ‘gift’ in Swahili, but every time I say his name I just think of Obama) and he’s the pastor’s son. He’s full of life and energy. Seeing him run to greet me, screaming “Impano wanjye” (meaning ‘my Impano’) brings the biggest smile to my face.
There’s also Josiane, a young 18 year old woaman I tutor twice a week. She lives with her mother (I think her father was killed in the genocide) and her 6 other siblings. She can’t afford school fees (probably equal to about 10 USD for the term…that’s perspective, right?) so I am helping her to learn English, little by little. She finished her primary school, so she has some background with English, and that helps our sessions. I don’t know what it is exactly, but I think it has something to do with how much she wants to learn. She yearns to learn, and in turn, I yearn to teach.
Yes, life is not easy here all the time. Many times, it’s hard. I can get lonely, frustrated, sad, angry, or apathetic. But the good, always outshines the bad.
There’s a song, Learning to Fly, originally by Tom Petty that I’ve been listening to non-stop, only listening to the Lady Antebellum version. I like it because it expresses all that I’m feeling without much explanation, and it just reminds me that this is a learning process. Each and every day. I don’t know where I’m going, but maybe that’s the point all along. You learn as you go. I’m learning to fly.
Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I’ve started out, for God knows where
I guess I’ll know when I get there
I’m learning to fly, around the clouds
But what goes up must go down
… poor mice :/.